Welcome to the ‘winter arc’ – the worst time on the self-improvement calendar Emma Beddington

Ah, autumn. Time for fog, delicious fruit, little chickens, pumpkin spice and cosiness, right? It is wrong. In the words of one strong guy on TikTok, “throw that shit out the window”: it’s time to start your winter arc (hear the terrifying sound of the wind whistling).

Well, the winter arc 2024 started on October 1st, so you’re already late and I bet most of you don’t even know what it is. Tsk. Winter arc is a muscular, social and media development plan and it’s not for wimps. In the next three months, according to one TikToker, you should “focus with a laser on your goals, your development, your growth”, with the aim of entering 2025 better, buffer and fully.

The winter arc requires a single-minded monastic commitment (a black hoodie, a worn hood, is essential kit). Participants retreat from the pleasures of the world to indulge in higher, or at least more challenging (exercise six times a week is mandatory). And when I say relax, I mean: forget cuffing time (looking for a sleeping partner in the colder months). “First rule: divorce,” says TikTok user @Phoebeisginger1. “We cut off all human contact… You don’t really talk to anyone.” I don’t think he’s serious, but the video is hashtagged, so who knows. “No girlfriends, no relationships,” said one winter sports fan. No masturbation, obviously, and no Netflix.

Because there is no time, how about lifting weights, drinking gallons of water, walking, reading (an important indicator of activity, not fun) and learning a new skill. No wonder you need to get up early: 5.30am under brutal regimes. Participants are also encouraged to “crowd”, like bears preparing for hibernation. Sounds good – eat! – but, unfortunately, it involves “hitting your protein” with an alarming amount of turkey mince. (Do winter servants eat their Christmas meal? Maybe with a knife around their knuckles to match the party?)

It’s a bit hard to draw the line between serious and funny winter news, but some people really take this bleakness seriously. That seems silly and a little sad. This dark, quiet time of year was one of simplicity and small pleasures, punctuated by cathartic moments of collective joy. Now, self-improvement and self-denial are all-consuming and no one gets a break in the punishing business of being the best, even when it’s dark and raining. do; even for romcoms and oven shifts on the sofa.

For the sake of balance, it’s winter—I’ve had less than two weeks of downtime, by which I mean I’ve gone to the gym a few times and eaten peanut butter, for protein. I’m already reading and I can’t see or talk to other people, so those points were easy, but the rest? Oh.

Because after not having a summer to speak of,​​​​this season feels like a slog, even for an autumn lover. By 7am, it’s so dark I think it’s 3am and go back to sleep. After playing around with hydration for a while, I’m completely “wet” – very cold, very wet – and I can’t quit Netflix until I find out what a hot rabbi and sex podcaster are. overcome their differences. I haven’t learned any new skills and I get so tired most afternoons that I fall face down on the bed over and over again like a very caged owl.

The game is good for anyone with strong self-control, but I put on my winter hoodie and agreed to “stay average”, as one TikTok evangelist calls it. I have another suggestion: why not replace winter with winter silence? That comes from the French saying, winter breakwhich is when landlords can’t evict tenants, but it describes exactly what the next three months could look like. Why don’t you sit back, take a nap and watch videos of owls scooting upside down under a hot toss? Throw away your CrossFit combat ropes and roast a turkey and let’s live like Beatrix Potter’s creatures for a while, in blissful hibernation. It may not light up TikTok, but it’s what keeps me in the dark.